


It's Okay to Fear, Just Not Yourself

by Newbiemans2015



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Galra Keith (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 04:09:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7669555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newbiemans2015/pseuds/Newbiemans2015
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shiro suggests a fear simulator for a team bonding exercise, but he didn't expect to meet opposition from the one person who is always willing to train. Keith struggles to accept who he is, and to let the team in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Okay to Fear, Just Not Yourself

“I’m not going to do it,” Keith explained carefully, very aware of the reactions he was getting from the rest of the team. He knew in those words he had made them upset, but this was something he was determined in, he wouldn’t change his mind.

  
“What?!” Lance protested immediately, throwing his arms in the air in exasperation. “That’s not fair; we all had to do it! Shiro!”

  
He turned to the black paladin for back up, his face flushed and angry at the protests the red counterpart was putting up. His obvious annoyance radiated through the room, and Keith could feel himself getting a headache.

  
Shiro turned to look at him with a growing frown, something he had often gotten from the older man when they were at the garrison. It was often followed by that understanding yet questioning voice that Keith hated because it meant he had to explain himself, and he disliked having to explain himself when he had already made his point clear.

  
“Keith?” Shiro asked firmly, “Lance has a point; we all had to do the simulation. It’s only right that you participate too; this is a team building exercise. It doesn’t really work if someone doesn’t do it.”

  
“I’m not doing it, Shiro. I’m sorry,” He genuinely was sorry, but Keith had planted his feet in the ground and he wouldn’t let any of them budge him.

  
“Mister big and mighty is just needs to get off his high horse and realize that we all have fears, him included,” Lance sputtered, glaring at the red paladin. “It’s a fear simulator; we all had to go through it, so do you!”

  
“Keith,” Shiro effectively cut the protests short as he addressed the younger teen once more. “Why won’t you do it?”

  
It was simple actually, but Keith wasn’t going to tell them that.

  
Allura and Coran had fixed a simulation room that could their brain activity and reproduce an individual’s fears in a very realistic manner, allowing the rest of the team to see what made their fellow paladin’s tick. Understanding one another’s fears was important, Keith knew and understood that, but his personal fears were not something for the peanut gallery.

  
He didn’t want to be hooked up to a machine that rendered his brain to believe what he was seeing was real, especially if it’s goal was to cause horrific nightmares that caused the individual to go into a panic attack.

  
Keith knew if it did get to the point where he was hyperventilating and frozen they would pull him out, they already had to do that for the others, but he knew his limits.

There was only one thing he knew that truly scared him to the point of raw terror, and he didn’t want the team to see that.

  
Hands twitching, Keith shook his head.

  
“I just won’t. I’m sorry,” He repeated. “But I’m not going to get in that thing,” He eyed the machine carefully and the monitors that showed what the individual was seeing in his mind.

  
Pidge and Hunk both shared long looks with one another, frowns deepening at Keith’s protests. They had both completed the tasks, and even though they wouldn’t say it out loud they agreed with Lance.

  
“You’re being a child!” Lance snapped, reaching out to grab Keith’s jacket sleeve with no doubt the intention of dragging the red paladin into the simulator himself, but Keith easily side stepped him.

  
“Lance-“Keith sighed.

  
“You just want us to see you as above everyone else!” Lance yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Well, newsflash, Keith, You’re not! If I have to put you into it myself I will!”

  
Keith was sorely tempted to respond with an ‘ _I’d like to see you try_ ’, but bit his tongue knowing that would only make the situation worse.

  
“That’s not it, Lance. I just-“He paused, unsure of what he could say that wouldn’t just have him saying he wouldn’t do it again. He wasn’t going to be a broken record.

  
Maybe honesty was the best policy. Well, partial honesty.

  
“I have a lot to fear,” He finally admitted, carefully choosing his words as he watched the faces of the other members. “And I don’t particularly feel like facing them again.”

“That’s bullshit,” Lance argued. “None of us wanted to either!”

  
“Lance, that’s enough,” Shiro finally interrupted. “You’re not helping.”

  
“Keith, you know we would pull you out if it got too much,” Hunk attempted to soothe the situation, eyeing Keith and Lance like they were bombs about to go off. “We wouldn’t let you sit in there and suffer.”

  
“Yeah!” Pidge added quickly. “It’s not meant to torture you, we’re you team members not you’re jailors.”

  
They just didn’t understand.

  
Keith clutched his hair and let out a deep sigh before finally looking up to face them again.

  
“I’m not worried about being left in there alone, I’m worried about-I’m afraid you guys will…judge me,” He finally stumbled out, the words awkward and forced. He watched as their faces changed into one of pity and Keith couldn’t decide if that was better or worse.

  
“Keith, we would never judge you. We all understand irrational fears, if you’re embarrassed-“Shiro attempted to mollify him but Keith’s face went red.

  
“That’s not what I meant either! I don’t have an irrational fear! I’m not afraid of ants,” he sent a long look at Lance who gave an offended squawk that sounded vaguely like ‘ _ants are terrifying_!’

  
“I have very-I don’t react well to…certain fears.”

  
“So…” Pidge drawled, obviously thinking very hard. “You’re afraid you’re going to have a severe panic attack in the simulation?”

  
Keith would take it, if that’s what it took to get him out of this training exercise.

  
“Yes, that’s it.”

  
“Keith, we will be monitoring you’re heart rate and brain activity, we would never let you get that close to something like that. You’ve personally watched them yourself for everyone else,” Shiro frowned. “What aren’t you telling us?”

  
Curse, Shiro, for being so _perceptive._

  
“Are you really that afraid that we’ll make fun of you or reject you because of something so human?”

  
That struck a nerve and Keith immediately recoiled from them all with a snarl. They would never understand what he was trying to explain unless he outright told them, and that was not an option. So he did the next best thing.

  
He pivoted on his heel and began to walk away.

  
“Do you think we pushed too hard?” Pidge whispered behind him and Keith felt his shoulders stiffen.

  
He just couldn’t think of what would happen if they saw his fear was himself. A part Galran, that was so very much not human.

  
~

  
The next day found them back into their grid lock. Apparently, they had hoped by giving him space he would eventually agree to do it.

  
Keith wasn’t having it.

  
“Keith, damn it all, will you just do it already?”

  
“No.”

  
“Keith, I’m pulling rank here. You’re going to do it,” Shiro finally sighed. “I was hoping you would just agree on your own, but I will force the issue if I have to.”

  
“Shiro, you don’t understand-“

  
“That’s the problem, Keith; we don’t because you just won’t do it. You’re not giving us the real reason and you’re taking every excuse you can to not do it. The sooner we get this done with the sooner we can move on.”

  
Keith wanted to punch something and scream that ‘no, they would not be able to move on’ but it looked like this time Shiro had his mind set and there was no getting out of it.  
Hands twitching once more, the red paladin finally realized there was no getting out of this. He was only making the whole situation worse.

  
“Fine.”

  
“You hear that? Shiro is taking-wait, seriously?” Lance looked like he had just been slapped across the face with a fish.

  
“I said, fine, so let’s get this over before I change my mind,” Keith grumbled through gritted teeth.

  
It was entirely irritating to watch Lance’s smug face as Keith watched Pidge adjust the sensors to the simulator as she adjusted them for his own head. He already stood in the tiny pod that looked an awful lot like a cryogenerator; apparently it was meant to keep him from physically moving while in a dreamlike state.

  
He found it slightly claustrophobic to be honest.

  
“Okay, it’s going to feel like you’re plunging into ice at first,” Pidge explained the same speech that had been given to the others. “And then it should settle into the first stage. It’s going to start fairly easy and then get harder from there.”

  
“Yeah, whatever,” He responded, knowing it was probably rude. “Just start it, already.”

  
He watched as the others gave worried glances at one another before finally Shiro gave a nod and attempted to throw him what was probably meant to be a reassuring smile. It wasn’t very reassuring.

  
Pidge had been right, because as soon as it was turned on he felt a shiver of cold spark through his veins and suddenly his eyes forced closed in a grimace.

  
But when he opened them, he found he was still in the same place, still in the simulator with the sensors still attached to his head. The only difference was the room had suddenly become empty and dark, as if the team had just gotten up and abandoned him.

  
Swallowing, Keith gently pulled the machine from his head and gingerly stepped down to observe the castle. It looked like night, and there was an eerie glow cast upon the place from the ship’s energy. Keith hadn’t realized how uncomfortable the castle’s rooms were at night when no one was around.

  
“Hello?” He called out in confusion. He didn’t remember anything the simulator had shown him; in fact, he wasn’t sure why he was alone in the first place.

  
Oh.

  
He was in the simulator, right now. This was why the castle felt so off, haunted, and unwelcoming.

  
Walking down the hall, he headed to the main room where he figured he would find the others or at least something that was actually meant to scare him, but as he entered he raised a questionable eyebrow.

  
No one was there.

Okay.

  
In fact, the place felt really empty. Everything that had been there before was missing. Passing by the room where there equipment was supposed to be, he frowned when he noticed all the paladin armor was missing…except for his.

  
The other lions were missing too.

  
Loneliness. Abandonment.

  
That’s what this had to be. There was no other explanation as to why he was alone in the castle with everything missing.

  
Frowning, Keith continued to explore the strange sensation of being alone once more. He had never really considered being alone a fear of his. He had of course lived in the desert for nearly a year after Shiro had disappeared on the Kerberos mission. Even as a child he had preferred solitude then trying to connect with his various foster parents.

  
There was a soft sound in the kitchen that caught his attention.

  
Wearily entering the room he glanced about in total darkness, but now in the doorway he could make out what it was. Someone was in here quietly sobbing.

  
Attempting to turn on the light, Keith found that the switch didn’t work and he would have to enter the kitchen without the aid of lighting. He stepped in gently, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness when he finally caught sight of a hunched over figure in the corner of the room.

  
“Hello?” He asked softly, praying that his subconscious wasn’t about to throw a jump scare at him.

  
“Keith? Baby, is that you?” A young woman’s voice answered the figure not moving. The red paladin felt his feet falter as he vaguely recognized it.

  
“Mo-Mother?” He asked in confusion. What was she doing here? She didn’t belong in a fear simulator. Keith was not afraid of the woman he barely remembered from his childhood.

  
The woman began to hum a small haunting tune that was strangely beautiful and Keith took another hesitant forward before crouching down to be at her height. Had this been a lullaby when he was a child? He wasn’t quite sure.

  
As if sensing his presence was close, Keith finally watched as her head rose to look at him. Wide grey eyes, long beautiful black hair and a face that screamed of youthful beauty. One he recognized immediately.

  
“Keith,” She gave a watery smile, pulling his face into her hands. “I’m so proud of you-“

  
That was when it finally registered as to what was going on. It was never his mother that was meant to scare him; it was what she was going to say. These were her last words. The last thoughts Keith ever got to hear before she had passed and he was put into the foster care system.

  
“No,” He frowned, trying to pull away. It couldn’t scare him if he didn’t hear it.

  
Her grip on his cheeks tightened and suddenly, Keith was pulled back into place by his mother’s firm grip. Her eyes steeled, showing she had no intent on letting him leave.

  
“Promise me you’ll be safe, promise me you won’t go looking for your father,” she continued, her breath hitching with labor. “I want you to be where he’ll never find you again.”

Keith felt his throat tighten.

“Mom-“

  
“Don’t let grief over me hold you back, honey. You’re going to be a great pilot one day. I know it.”

  
Keith hardly remembered this conversation, but now it was so clear in his mind he felt the chill crawl up his spine as he remembered asking that one question.

  
What if they find out?

  
Watching as her face scrunched in pain, as if he had actually asked it out loud, Keith bit his lip as she spoke once more.

  
“You can’t let them know, Keith. You keep your heritage a secret. It’s not only for your safety, love, it’s for theirs too.”

  
Then she was gone.

  
Keith blinked, standing as he looked about the kitchen in confusion. The light had turned on, and as he turned to see the other paladins before him as if they had been there the whole time.

  
A strangled yelp burst from his lips as he stared upon them. They weren’t as he normally saw them. Pidge, Shiro and Hunk were staring at him with eyes wide, pale and shaking. He had never seen them so frozen in his life as he looked at them.

  
The three paladins were hovering over something on the floor, but all of them had their eyes locked on him. But what had caused Keith to cry out was the amount of blood that covered them. The crimson stains were spreading, stretched over their clothes and splattered on the walls around them.

  
Where was Lance?

  
Stepping forward, Keith frowned when he watched the others scurry backwards, almost protectively over the collapsed figure on the floor.

  
“What’s-?” He started, raising his hands in defense, unsure as to why they were so frightened when something caught his eye. Blood was dripping from his fingertips.

  
Lowering his hands in confusion he looked back and forth between the team and his own hands, noticing just how stained his shirt was and how sticky his face was. The blood seemed to be coming from his…mouth?

  
Swiping his thumb over his lower lip, he pulled it away to see a new coat of fresh liquid staining his skin. He didn’t feel any pain, so he wasn’t sure what was going on and why everything seemed to be pointing towards the blood coming from him. Most specifically, why it seemed to have poured from his mouth and down his shirt.

  
And then the figure on the floor sputtered and Keith finally got a clear view.

  
If he could, Keith was sure a scream would have erupted from his throat had it not frozen at the sight that lay before him. Lance was sprawled on the floor, flailing weakly, his hands attempting to reach for his neck. A large gaping bite mark seemed to have ripped itself into his vocal cords, making it impossible for Lance to scream.

  
That’s when it finally hit.

  
Keith had done that.

  
He had tried to rip out Lance’s throat with his teeth.

  
Horrified, he stumbled back as he looked at the faces on the rest of his teammates.

  
“He can’t control it-“

  
“He’s one of them.”

  
“Look at what he’s done.”

  
Keith began to hyperventilate. Why had the rest of team not pulled him out yet? Why was he still in the simulator? He couldn’t breathe.

  
Sliding down to the floor, Keith pulled in his knees and thrust his head between them in attempts to stop his head from spinning and to settle his stomach. He was vaguely aware that it had gone deathly quiet, but it was drowned out by his erratic breathing and the rush of blood that pounded in his ears.

  
The smell of copper was filling his nose.

  
Something was sitting right in front of him.

 

“You need to face the music,” A rough voice announced, and Keith began to shake as he recognized his own tone. “This isn’t a simulation, this is inevitable.”

  
Keith didn’t reply. He squeezed his eyes tighter and prayed that the team would just pull him out already. No one had had to see this, surely they realized that he had had enough? Was the curiosity over what he was seeing preventing them from granting him mercy?

  
“This is real,” He heard himself continue. “You can sit there and hope that you teammates will pull you out, but what will that accomplish? It won’t accomplish anything.”

  
There was a pregnant pause where Keith slowly slid his hands over his ears and tried desperately to tune it out.

  
“Even if they do, what will happen? This will just continue. You’ll lose your temper, you’ll snap from one to many pitying looks and next thing you know you’re going to have their blood all over you again. Then we’ll be right back here, a pathetic weeping mess hyperventilating on the floor because you can’t control the Galran side of you.”

  
“I’m not Galra,” He tried to argue but it was useless.

  
“Your fear of yourself is what’s going to kill them. You are Galra; this is what you’ll become.”

  
Keith finally glanced up and met the solid yellow eyes that glinted back at him. White sharp fangs were mere inches away from his face, large purple Galran ears perked up on his own head.

  
He was fairly certain his heart stopped.

  
~

  
“Pull him out!” Lance yelled as he watched the heart monitor flat line. “It’s too much for his brain to handle!”

  
“I’m trying!” Pidge snapped, but the voice wavered and hands shook through the machine. “His mind has a death grip on the situation! I don’t want to kill him by just ripping him out!”

  
Hunk was frantically working alongside Pidge, attempting to free his companion with all the knowledge he had.

  
And Shiro. He was staring at the screen that showed Keith’s mind. There was no more time left, it was either get him out now or Keith wouldn’t make it.

  
Pushing Hunk and Pidge to the side, much to their protests, he ripped the sensors from Keith’s head.

  
With his body free from the machine’s grasp, Keith limply fell forwards into Hunk’s large figure completely out cold. The screens went black and for a split second, they all thought that they had really fucked up.

  
Then, as if emerging from being underwater to long, Keith jerked him Hunk’s arms like he was having a seizure. His lungs sucking in air as his eyes opened widely to observe where he was.

  
“Keith!”

  
Shivering, the red paladin slummed to the floor, Hunk guiding him so he didn’t hit his head. He grasped his head as if in pain and grimaced as he seemed to slowly take in his surroundings.

  
“What happened” He finally breathed, his throat sounding garbled like it was swollen.

  
“You’re subconscious gained control of the simulator,” Pidge huskily answered. “It forced your body to believe that what it was seeing was real, and when you’re heart stopped your brain told itself you were actually dying.”

  
“We had to remove you without proper procedures, ripping you from the machine was the only thing we could think of,” Shiro shakily added.

  
“I thought…I thought you guys would pull me out before I had a panic attack,” Keith whispered, still hugging his knees.

  
“We tried too,” Lance finally spoke. “When we did, that’s when we lost control and your brain took over. For some reason it didn’t want us to remove you, almost as if you didn’t want to leave.”

  
“We didn’t see it coming either man,” Hunk spoke gently, giving Lance a warning look to be gentle. “You jumped ahead several levels. You only got three stages, so it increased powerfully and suddenly.”

  
Still trembling on the floor, Keith looked at them with a long look.

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
The rest of the paladins exchanged looks.

  
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Keith. You were scared, we lost control, if any of us should be apologizing-“Shiro began but trailed off when it was obvious that was not what Keith had meant.

  
“No, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth as to why I didn’t want to go in there. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

  
“What? That you’re half Galra?” Lance questioned, and everyone in the room flinched. Instantly, guilty, Lance tried to soften his words. “Dude, the fact that you’re so terrified of yourself that this happened means that you’re nothing like the rest of the Galran empire. We’re sorry you felt like you couldn’t confide in us.”

  
Keith let out a noise that sounded like a repressed sob.

  
Shiro slowly placed a gentle hand on the red paladin’s shoulder.

  
“Lance is right, Keith. If anything, from what I saw, it’s your fear that’s making you think you’re a threat to us. You, yourself, said it ‘Your fear of yourself is what’s going to kill them.” Keith, you need to breathe.”

  
Keith was still gasping for air as the rest of them slowly slid to the floor around him.

  
“But I’m one of them, I’m what we fight-“

  
“You’re human, too, Keith,” Pidge interrupted softly. “You’re nothing like them. You’re our red paladin, you fight them, you’re willing to admit you have fears.”

  
“And most importantly, you’re our brother, Keith,” Hunk affirmed.

  
“Exactly,” Lance smiled. “Brother’s may fight all the time, but we’re still always there for one another.”

  
Finally, Keith let out a small smile, and as he did so they all huddled closer together.

  
“Thank you,” They finally heard him mumble.

  
And at last, they all were smiling once more.

**Author's Note:**

> This can also been seen on my Tumblr: Youreagalrakeith


End file.
